Saturday, July 21, 2012

On Sleep Deprivation

There are in the world various government agencies and terrorist organizations that have practiced or continue to practice the torture of prisoners.

The means of torture are horrifically painful, psychologically debilitating, or just plain mean.

While there is no doubt that pulling finger nails or water boarding are terribly painful means of torture, I now believe that one of the worst forms of torture a person could be subjected to is sleep deprivation.

From the wikipedia page on sleep deprivation (a very reliable source, right?), Menachem Begin (Prime Minister of Israel) described sleep deprivation like this:

In the head of the interrogated prisoner, a haze begins to form. His spirit is wearied to death, his legs are unsteady, and he has one sole desire: to sleep... Anyone who has experienced this desire knows that not even hunger and thirst are comparable with it.


After experiencing three weeks of life with a newborn, I can attest that this is true.  I was a prisoner.  I lived in a haze.  My spirit was wearied, my legs were unsteady, and I had one sole desire: to sleep.

One morning after waking up from a mere hour's sleep, Matt said to me, "I'm so exhausted.  There are no words to describe this exhaustion."

He was right.  There are simply no words to describe the extent of exhaustion that new parents experience.  But I will try.

Have you ever travelled overseas?  Somewhere that is experiencing day while we are sleeping at night?  And then it's time to come home and you're so excited that you can't sleep so you get on the plane but you can't sleep in those terrible seats and then you land and it's morning and you have meetings to go to and friends and family to see and you know you won't be able to sleep until late at night but you're absolutely miserable and no matter how many cups of coffee you consume your head just keeps bobbing up and down as you struggle pitifully to stay awake?

As miserable as that day is, at least you know that when night comes, you can lay down and close your eyes. And even if your internal clock won't let you sleep well that night, you know that you can sleep the next night, and surely within 3 days you will be sleeping somewhat regularly and by day 5 you should be sleeping more soundly than you have ever slept in your life, for 10 hours straight.

Imagine that feeling of misery after the long trip with no sleep and the bobbing head, only there is no end in sight.  You don't know when you will be able to sleep again.  There seems to be no hope for a restful night of sleep.  It could be weeks, or it could be months.  That is the case for the father.

For the mother, imagine that not only did you take that long trip without a wink of sleep, but you did so after running a marathon.  When you completed the marathon, you were hit by a semi leaving every muscle and bone in your body aching in excruciating pain.  Even your forehead aches.  And all you want to do is sleep, but there is now a small, helpless little baby the depends on you for it's every need, and your job is now full time, 24 hours a day.

Of course, that precious baby in your arms makes it all better, right?

Well he may be just the cutest most precious, adorably loveable little munchkin you've ever seen or loved, but he's still not letting you sleep!  And just when you think he's going to give you an hour or two of dreamy silence, he starts screaming bloody murder until you put him on your sore, cracked, scabby nipples for the next hour straight (you can read about my breast feeding experience in my next post).

As much as you love him, you long to close your eyes and rest.  And every time he cries, you cry.  Why is he crying again?  I just fed him!  I don't know what to do.  He won't sleep, his diaper is clean, he just ate, and I haven't slept for days.  Now all I can do is cry uncontrollably while I hold my screaming (albeit precious) baby in my tired arms.  Why would anybody continue having children after this??  What about twins?  When do they ever get to sleep?  The thought alone makes me shiver.

But now, after three weeks, I am finally averaging about 6 hours of sleep a night - not continuous sleep, of course, but at least it's sleep.

And I can finally see the light.

Now, when he screams bloody murder for my boobs, his cries don't drive me to unstoppable tears (and my nipples don't hurt anymore!).  I calmly get ready to feed him, and then do so in peace while I gaze lovingly upon his face, and then scroll through my facebook newsfeed on my phone.

Now when I lay down at night, I have hope that I may be blessed with 3 or more hours of uninterrupted dozing.  Those without children may scoff at 3 hours.  I would have just a few weeks ago.  But I never knew just how incredible 3 hours could feel, until now.

Now, I can safely say, the torture has ended.  It is over.  I think so, anyway.  I hope so.

1 comment:

  1. haha... oh man. Poor guy won't let you sleep at all! I will say, one day you WILL sleep again, & you will feel like a BRAND new person! It took 10.5 months for Elliot to fully sleep through the night. & look, I'm having another one! ;)

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